The big day.
The day we’ve waited all year for.
The day of days.
It’s finally here! Can you feel the excitement?
If you have small children, this is really their holiday. For us adults, it’s Bank of America’s holiday. After all, for the past 364 days we scooped up every bargain we could find, stowed it away under the guise of, “this will make a great Christmas present for (insert name here)” and maxed out our plastic in the process.
Kids all over the world will go to bed tonight with the expectation that Santa will be coming down the chimney (even if their house doesn’t have one) and depositing everything they wanted from Toys R Us in the living room.
Parents will be dropping the f-bomb multiple times, suffering injuries to their hands and fingers as they put together all those things their kids wanted that we made in China. When everything is in place, they will finally get to sleep around 4am only to be woken an hour later by the excitable little ones who want to see what the fat man left while they slept.
They’ll reluctantly trudge downstairs half asleep to watch the kids open all the gifts they just finished wrapping a few hours ago. Just minutes into it, little Suzy will ask, “Daddy, where are the batteries?” Mom will give Dad “the look” and mouth, “you idiot…. you forgot the batteries!”
Christmas Day is now officially underway.
Batteries become the mission of the day, as Dad drives all around town looking for the one gas station owned by the local atheists who are sure to be open. Meanwhile Mom is trying to stop little Billy from crying because he didn’t get a Barbie doll, while little Suzy finds Billy’s new dump truck fascinating.
Later they’ll pack all the kids into the mini-van, which always smells like rancid milk or vomit, and head to Grandma’s for dinner. There they will witness Grandma and Grandpa fighting over who burned the ham, why there’s not enough green beans and who forgot to pick up Aunt Sally.
When it comes time to open presents, Grandma tries to explain to the wee ones that, “not everyone can give you toys” while Suzy and Billy open presents that consist of sweaters and socks and beg to go home so they can play “Construction Barbie.”
At the end of the day the kids are in bed, Mom and Dad are exhausted and are not speaking to each other and the cat just threw up part of the Christmas tree on the bathroom floor.
Merry Christmas.