Mark Twain nailed it when he said, “A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
I can go on and on about how much I hate banks and the empty suits that run them, but I’ll save that for another day. Instead, I’ll share a little story about my Discover Card I’ve had since 2005.
Why I even applied for the black sheep of the credit card industry, I don’t know… but I had one. So when a 0% for the life of the balance offer came my way, I took advantage of it and went out and bought a MacBook. I figured why pay cash when I can get free money! Makes sense, right?
So I bought the computer on my Black Card, then when the bill came, wrote that 0% balance transfer check for the purchase amount and was happy. I managed to use Discover’s free money for a little over two years by just paying the minimum payment until the laptop was finally paid for…. which was last month.
With the Discover Card now paid in full and balance free, I receive a letter in the mail full of hugs and kisses thanking me for being a “valued” cardholder right before the paragraph explaining that my credit line has been reduced to $500.
Those hugs and kisses quickly turned into a broom handle up the rectum.
Since I could care less about the Discover Card and only used it to be a “user,” this was no big deal. But I wasn’t going to let the action go without having a little fun first.
I grabbed a glass out of my desk, poured three fingers of my favorite clear liquid and added a splash of Royal Crown Cola for good measure. I located the name and address for the president of Discover Card and penned a letter awash in fiction with a side of sarcasm.
Once complete, I included my Discover Card, tossed everything into an overnight envelope and off to Riverwoods, IL it went.
Now I can’t imagine the president of Discover Card, Roger Hochschild, will ever see my letter. He’s far enough up on the empty suit chain that he has some grossly underpaid executive assistant open and read his mail. But whoever’s hands my letter ends up in, I hope they have a good laugh.
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| June 26, 2012
Mr. Roger Hochschild RE: Account Number: 6011-XXXX-XXXX-XXXX-XXXX Dear Mr. Hochschild, Thank you for your company’s recent correspondence with me dated June 3, 2012. Understandably, a lot of communication goes on between your company and your Discover Card cardholders, so I’m sure you’re not familiar with the correspondence I’m speaking of. Allow me to take a few seconds of your, assuming, valuable time to give you the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version so we’re both on the same page. I recently won the Powerball lottery where I turned a $5 investment into multi-million-dollar windfall for myself. I’m single with one Chihuahua as a dependent, so my recently acquired fortune isn’t going to alimony payments or child support. As a valued Discover Card cardholder, one of the first things I did with my new found millions was to pay off the balance on my card. I figured that was my way of “paying it forward” since financial institutions across the globe are in such dire straits. Although, looking at your 2011 Annual Report listing your company’s earnings and your annual compensation, you and Discover Financial Services are doing pretty good. I may buy some stock. Keep up the good work. Anyway, someone who signed the letter “Operations Portfolio Review” advised me that my credit line has been reduced to the tiny sum of just $500. Now, I presume you are a man of the world, a man who enjoys a fine wine with a nice filet mignon, a voluptuous Latvian lap dancer and a glass of VSOP to cap off the night. Imagine having to pay for that with a Discover Card with a $500 credit line. You get my point, right? Well Roger, I’m a little disappointed. But it’s no big loss for me. I didn’t use my Discover Card much anyway. But being a cardholder since 2005, I wanted to personally let you know that I’m calling it quits. I wouldn’t even be able to pay for three hours with a transvestite escort with a $500 credit line! My Discover Card is enclosed for you to either keep in your scrapbook or insert into your shredder. Take note that I chose the card design featuring clover. It was one of your best designs. Breaking up is hard to do, but in this case Roger, I’m not leaving bitter. In fact, if you ever find yourself in the position where you need a couple bucks and the folks at Western Sky Financial won’t give you one of those much advertised payday loans, give me a jingle. Because like Western Sky, I’ve got millions to lend…. but it doesn’t come cheap! Sincerely, Scott Sanfilippo |